Anything You Can Do is the sixth chapter of Lissa's Game High fanfic Pixels and Polygons. It can be read below.
Anything You Can Do Edit
Honey’s first hour class was math.
Honey did not enjoy math. Not only because of the teacher, Dr. Lobe, who was a strange lookin’ fella if Honey ever did see one. But because she was a pirate. For L.O.G.’s sake, pirates didn’t spend their time solving equations and muddling through polygons. She had treasures to consider! Jack-in-the-Box demons! Evil pig ghosts that’d doodle up pictures and turn the sketches into enemies! Very important things. So she didn’t have time for math and it’s funny lookin’ teacher.
There was exactly one good thing about math: Warius.
Warius G. Bros, despite possessing a surname that did not sound like a surname to Honey and probably never would, was the one thing that made half-listening to Dr. Lobe’s speeches totally worth it. Maybe it was because he was from her series. No, scratch that. It was certainly because he was from her series. Prof. Layton had once said that children from the same video game series have an inherent connection regardless of whether or not they actually enjoy being in one another’s company, extending to feeling like they know someone from their series if the two hadn’t been properly introduced. This was no better shown than with Honey and Warius.
That is to say, for the most part, the yellow-clad evil plumber’s boy didn’t know Honey existed.
“An’ I’m gonna make it clear--It ain’t a crush or nothin’.” She said when explaining the whole thing to Harold, whom she ended up liking a good bit because he was a very good listener, a quality that frankly her main companions Sofia lacked in bunches and Simon didn’t always practice. “It’s sorta like--I wanna punch his nose in. Really do. You ever get that feeling?” Hesitantly Harold shook his head. “Eh. Well, that’s the thing. I wanna punch his nose in, but, y’know, I can’t. I need ‘im to grow up to be a greedy jerknugget so then I can best ‘im like the pirate I’m s’posed to be. But, ugh. His nose. I wanna punch it in.”
While not the most eloquently stated, it was a good enough verbalization of her dilemma. So, while she half payed attention to Dr. Lobe talking about some puzzle or another, she stared at Warius. She contemplated him. She made faces at him when he wasn’t looking. She tapped her foot irritably when he never turned to catch her in the act. Would it kill him to notice her sometimes? Honey frowned hard at him, ripping another page from her notebook as she folded yet another paper airplane to bean at his head.
The bell rang.
Honey shoved her things haphazardly into her bag and, as Warius left, never let him out of her sights. She sped up, pushing people out of the way as she made her way over to him, suddenly and abruptly nudging him in the shin when they were next to each other. “Hey, I was subtly pickin’ on ‘ya back there, common courtesy says ‘ya notice.”
Warius turned his head, looking up slightly, seeing how Honey was just a nudge taller than he was. He looked at her for a while, then slowly said, “Um. Do I know you?”
“D’you--Well, ‘ya probably should! I’m Honey T. Syrup, ‘T’s for Treacle. Y’know. The pirate?” She nudged him a few times with her elbow. “Kiiiiinda important?”
He blinked. “You mean...Syrup had a daughter?”
“...Well, yeah, duh. Where did’ja think I came from? L.O.G. didn’t just make me outta’ some scraps of code, that’s for sure.”
“Er. Well. Nice to meetcha’, I guess. I’m Warius.” A potent pause, and then, his voice dropping, “But you probably knew that…”
This was not how she expected this to go. At all. Did his dad just sort of forget to teach him to be a giant greedy jerk to everyone he met? Honey crossed her arms and was about to reply when a chipper third voice suddenly piped, “Oh! Oh! Good, you’re here, we’re gonna be late to Quoteology if you keep standing there!” The owner of this voice snatched him by the arm and began dragging him away, down the hall. Honey blinked, and quickly she grabbed Warius’ other arm, halting this newcomer’s progress. “Hey, where d’you think you’re--”
Then Honey saw the newcomer’s face.
She let go of his arm, and the two of them scampered down the hall as the one-minute warning bell began to sound. She turned, stomping off to Advanced Magic Use, her fingernails sinking into her palm as she slid into her chair at her little table. Her table-mate slid next to her moments later. “Hey.” The freckle-faced girl smirked. “So, y’finally did it? Yeah? How’d it go, does he know yer name or what?”
“It was a disaster.” Honey hissed as the normal bell rang and Mr. Weber (Mr. The Trickster? Weber? The teacher was pretty lax on what you decided to call him) sort of just appeared at the front, beginning the lesson. Despite not having any powers herself, Honey wanted to take this class because Weber had an interesting habit of focusing more on the dangerous magic then the safe kinds. She liked that. Just not so much today. “She was there.”
Honey’s table-mate was a gangly girl named Shasta, Waluigi’s sports-loving daughter, and expert being shafted when it came to Warius. Mostly because Shasta didn’t really care about him and was more interested in anything else ever, but nevertheless. She cocked an eyebrow, blinking. “Who?”
“You know.” And then the pirate’s voice lowered to a hiss. “Monia.”
Shasta hummed a ‘I know how you feel’ sort of note. “More popular spin-off?”
“Don’t you know it.”
“I don’t, actually. Y’know what I get to look forward to? A DDR spin-off.” She made a ‘ta-da’ gesture with her hands, which Mr. Weber took as a cue to make her token Waluigi Spitballs’ baseball cap vanish. Panicked, Shasta groped at her head a bit, to which Weber chuckled spitefully and reminded her in a sing-song tone that hats were not allowed in his class. She slumped in her chair, crossing her arms. “Better get that back.”
A snicker escaped from Honey’s throat, but she began muttering again. “So, yeah, Monia. She’s this priss who thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips ‘cause she’s from WarioWare. She’s got some nerve, grabbin’ ‘im by the arm an’ draggin’ him away like it’s her job ‘t do so. If they let me, I swear I’d--”
“Yeah, but they ain’t lettin’ ‘ya do that. Remember, got my baseball bat confiscated? You’re gonna hafta get creative now.” Shasta shifted her position, twiddling her pen in her fingers so it’d look like she was taking notes at a passing glance. “Anyway, can’t be that hard, right? Monia. Sounds like Mona’s kid, mmm?”
“Nail on the head.”
“Then it ain’t hard at all! I mean, what’s she got? Some pizza? Please.”
“I know! Ashley’s kid I’d be more worried for, but this? This is nothin’. I’m a pirate, she’s a delivery girl. I’ll get her outta’ the picture like that.”
But the thing was, Honey didn’t. As the hours ticked by, Honey kept making efforts to flag down Warius in the hall, to no avail. Whenever she was there, Monia was, too. Whenever Monia was there, Warius paid more attention to her then to Honey. The pirate grit her teeth, trudging off to the next hour, only to attempt to flag him down again and completely fail at it. By time lunch rolled around, this plight was getting on her nerves.
“What’s the big deal about it?” Sofia asked after the situation had been explained to her.
“What’s the big deal? Whadaya mean, what’s the big deal?” Honey leaned closer to Sofia, a frown on her face. “I’ll tell ‘ya what’s the big deal. He’s s’posed to be my arch-nemesis, m’kay? So he hasta’ know I’m a threat, right? So he doesn’t kick back an’ take it easy. Are ‘ya tellin’ me that if Lil’ Mac had a kid an’ that kid was here, you wouldn’t seek ‘im out an sock ‘im a few times for good measure?”
To Sofia’s credit, she didn’t have to contemplate that one too long. “Por supuesto. That kid would know the Flamenco name, even if I had to knock out a tooth to make it stick.”
“Yeah, yeah. So you get it.” The lunch table began filling in, Simon and Vanessa making light conversation as Takashi hurriedly sat down, Harold bringing up the rear. Honey took a glance at them. “Hey, guys, anyone know how to make your arch-nemesis take ‘ya seriously?”
Everyone sort of glanced at one another a bit. Harold answered first with a small shrug. Then everyone else went in turn to explain what they knew:
“You steal all the milk in the world to perfect your overcomplicated plot…”
“Well, first you barge in and then turn the love of both her and your life into stone! I mean, that kind of worked. Sort of.”
“Begin to shoot down his ship so you can gain the ancient treasure of Barbaros, not he.”
Honey shot them all the driest of sideways glares. “You guys are idiots. I mean, if your more popular spin-off got there first.”
Everyone was suddenly quiet. Harold shook his head with a ‘don’t ask me!’ look on his face, and Simon adopted the same sort of expression. “Wish I could be of service, but I never got a sequel, much less a spin-off…”
Takashi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, looking off. “Disgaea did wonders for mother’s popularity, so...Is that the more popular spin-off?”
“I need more details for this. What’s the more popular spin-off? Pajama Sam, Putt-Putt, or Freddi Fish? Or maybe…It’s Backyard Sports, isn’t it?” Vanessa’s eyes lit up, as though she just solved the most pressing of mysteries right then and there. “Now, for the sake of argument we’ll have to say my arch-nemesis, should there be one, is actually--”
There was a loud groan, and everyone looked over to see Honey, face buried in her hands. “Stupid stupid stupid…” She grumbled, the voice muffled by her hands.
Simon blinked, frowning. “Perhaps if you were more clear on the issue…?”
“It’s Monia.” Sofia piped in helpfully, “She’s trying to make Warius notice her and take her seriously as a villain but Monia keeps comin’ in and ruining it for her. No le digas que he dicho esto, pero ella está tomando demasiado en serio. But I see where she’s coming from.” Sofia paused to pick up her sandwich, then added offhandedly, “Little Mac got in Smash! You know what papa gets? Zilch! So I see her point.”
Nobody else could really admit they knew the feeling, but they nodded sympathetically nonetheless. Harold gave Honey a few reassuring pats on the back, sliding his biscuit towards her. She opened her fingers to gaze down at the food, then picked up the biscuit and bit into it. Hard, dry, and stale. Just the way she liked it. “Thanks.” She said, and Harold smiled. She swallowed her bit of biscuit and went on, “So yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. How am I s’posed to be a good captain if he doesn’t even care? Heck am I s’posed to do?”
“Personally, I always thought these things fell into place on their own.” Takashi replied, straightening the collar of his cape idly before beginning to make hand gestures in time with his words. “Like...When you grow up, you’ll just know who your enemies are supposed to be. Which means, for now, you can bother with whoever you want. Okay, that’ll mean that those supposed to be worst enemies will become best friends and vice versa, but that can’t be so bad. I mean, you’ll get to see both sides of a person and become a better character. Right?”
The evil prince’s explanation of it all was deemed good enough by everyone at the lunch table. But as the conversation drifted to other topics and the moments ticked on by, classes slowly passing, something became startlingly clear: Honey rarely listened to anyone’s advice. On her way back to the dorm commons after all of her classes, she caught sight of the yellow-clad plumber’s boy and couldn’t help but throw an invasive arm around his shoulder. “So, Warius, nice ‘t see ‘ya, ‘specially without that girl ‘ya like so much, y’know?”
He seemed very clearly uncomfortable with this sort of attention. “Er…”
“Hey, hey, you remember Bloomsday, right?”
“Bloomsday. Wasn’t that loads of fun? Fighting it? I sure had fun. Because I was there. So I’d know. Unlike--”
“Oh, there you are!”
This wasn’t even ‘speak of the devil’ anymore. This was ‘imply of the devil’. And the implied devil (i.e. Monia) was very suddenly at Warius’ side once more, taking hold of his arm. Honey hissed between her teeth. “What are you even doing here?”
Monia’s eyes glanced back and forth, confused. “...What do you mean?”
“Here. What are you doin’ here!? ‘Cause, far as I know, every single time I show up aroun’ him, you’re there! You his bodyguard or somethin’? Lay off.”
“...I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“Do you--Yeah, yeah you should! I’m Honey T. Syrup, ‘T’s for ‘Treacle’. Y’know.” She yanked Warius closer to her. “Daughter of Captain Syrup? Wario Land? First female Mario villain, predating that overblown Shadow Queen, yep.”
“You’re his villain?!”
“Heck didja’ think I am?”
Monia exhaled sharply, tugging Warius towards her. “Well, what do you want with him? I’m not gonna let you beat him up.”
The pirate rolled her eyes. “I don’t need to beat ‘im up, idiot, I need ‘t show ‘im I’m here!”
“I know you’re here.” Warius grumbled, eyes darting between the two girls, but neither one paid him any heed.
“Well,” Monia huffed, squeezing his arm tighter, “Great, you succeeded. Now, we have to be going.”
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere ‘till ‘ya lay off.”
“You think you’re so much cooler juss’ ‘cause you’re from WarioWare, don’cha? All cool because your series gets all the fame and attention--A WiiU installment--An assist trophy?” Gritting her teeth, Honey let go of Warius and took a few long steps nearer to Monia. “Well, lemme say, you ain’t cool at all! You’re a stupid delivery girl cheerleader and meanwhile here I am, an actual pirate, pretty good at what I do!” She was quite close to Monia now, but to the latter’s credit, she didn’t show a single ounce of fear when in the face of an angry pirate. That took guts. “So you just run along back to Diamond City,” Honey emphasized both words by sharply poking Monia twice, “And take your scooter and pompoms with you.”
Monia set her jaw, staring at Honey intently. A pirate? A pirate was nothing. She’d faced witches, aliens, and ninjas. Not to mention the town mad scientist and his weird microphone robot. And hey, she turned out no worse for wear. “Honestly. Do you really think you’re so much better then me just because you’re underrated?” She put on a big, sweet smile. “Oh, Honey, Honey, Honey. There’s a reason games don’t get more popular. I thought you knew! Don’t you room with Takashi?”
“Hey, hey, don’cha compare me to--”
“All I’m saying is,” She gave a light, airy shrug, a movement that gave the illusion that she cared. “Maybe you just don’t have the fanbase.”
And then Honey snapped.
Her entire body tensed up, and then, suddenly, she lashed out. Her hands were around Monia’s neck faster then anyone could blink, and Monia screeched a sort of guttural screech and began flailing. She socked the pirate in the eye, again and again and again, kicking at her knees; yet Honey didn’t even begin to waver as her fingers sunk into Monia’s neck. Monia bit her lip and slugged her one last time in the eye but it was getting hard to swallow hard to breathe let go let go LET GO--
Amazingly, Honey did. She let go. That was because someone had pried her off of Monia and twisted her arms behind her back.
“Look,” He hissed in her ear, “I notice you. Okay? You’re my villain and I notice you and it’s gonna be great and...Whatever you want me to say. So lay off of Monia, and I swear to L.O.G. if you lay a hand on Monia again and I will be the hero.” Honey didn’t reply. He let go of her arms and walked off to Monia, consoling her, the two of them walking away and leaving the pirate alone in the dorm commons.
The next day Honey walked into Advanced Magic Use with an icepack pressed to her battered eye because her pride stopped her from going to the nurse. She sat down at the table, and moments later Shasta followed, sitting down next to her with a smirk. “Black eye, huh?” Honey nodded. “Well, that ain’t bad! That means good stuff, right? Monia’s off yer back an’ he finally notices ‘ya?”
A low chuckle came from Honey’s throat. “Yeah. You could say that.”
First Chapter: We Begin by Entering
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